I've had a nothing day, exhausted kind of, but not, just in limbo. Feeling oddly drained. In deep meditation it came that it's because I'm broke, that money is a form of energy and that's why I'm listlessly floating through today. My daughter is away, thankfully. I'm out of dog food & coffee cream & fruit & vegetables, though there's canned dog food my mother gave me, and I've powdered milk that I can use, and multigrain bread and cheese and butter and eggs and sausages and mushrooms and onion and lamb souvlaki in the freezer, as well as rice and oats and raisons if I need more. The cheque from tutoring I did last month for an agency didn't arrive last Friday as it was meant to and that was to be my grocery money this week, and when I emailed Monday I was told the family I tutor for hadn't paid their bill. But this company takes half of what I make, they charge $40./hr, give me $20., and have made hundreds off me this year. You'd think they'd have some reserve to pay their tutors on time! Yes, I paid off over three grand in debts last week, and not a cent left over, but then I was getting a tutoring cheque... Friday there'll be more tax refund deposited, and I'm working next week, but sheesh. Where'd my energy go? Why does it always go when my wallet is empty? Even though I know it's just a temporary state, and really I'm fine, there's good food, I even have a little Merlot to sip later. The dog's happier with the canned stuff anyhow- she thinks it's a treat. And surely I can do without coffee cream for a day. But that's not what I'm learning here. Why can't I just not be affected by an empty wallet? I want to achieve a state of being where I completely trust that what is needed will come so I won't care when this happens and it won't affect my energy levels in any way.
As to why I don't have steady employment, that's somewhat of a mystery. My record with I don't know how many employment agencies is exemplary, if I am to believe the feedback I receive. Yet I don't get full time jobs. Or even permanent part-time ones. At this point, I think my employment situation is a result of my art. My newest tactic is not to look for work that will take me away from it so much as work to support it, and me and my kids, of course.
Believe it or not, this is a brand new way of thinking for me.
And I am resisting the little voice that says, oh call the bank, have a small overdraft put on your account for weeks like these...
Ah, defiance against 'the system' helps, I'm perking up, and also the chorizo and mushrooms are ready, maybe wrapped in a toasted multigrain crust with some chopped onion and mayonnaise and a little mustard...
Sheath of feeling. Words groping to touch air.
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Ecdysis was wonderful - art and words! Congratulations on your qarrtsiluni entry!
ReplyDeletebrenda, i remember days like you describe - and i had a full time, permanent job! still the money was owed, went elsewhere. though i always knew how much would come in and when, it was not mine to enjoy or spend. the juggling wore me out emotionally.
totally paying off debt opens so much energy! i am glad to be finished with the financial anxiety. you are getting there - hang on!
Sky, oh, the debt-go-round is no fun! And I'm glad I'm off it - last week I paid $3200. out! Every penny of my tax return, no splurges, no treats for me or my kids. I was so good. Only a few small things left to pay off. And then to build some equity so that what happened this week never happens again. I'm in the 'fragile middle' at present, the divide between one way of living and the other. I'm so glad you made it through and out the other end and these things are now only memories for you! You're very inspiring! xo
ReplyDeleteIt sounds exhausting Brenda. I run my own business so I know the 'joys' of waiting for cheques that were supposed to arrive last week etc ... well done for not taking the easy way out and calling the bank. Even if you have to live on an interesting diet for a little while, it will be great to know that when the cheque does arrive it is a plus, not just offsetting a minus.
ReplyDeleteAnd, you know freecycle has everything you could ever need. Round here, people are freecycling their home grown veggies and fruit at the moment!
I admire your honesty in facing your feelings about it all.
As for the steady job, maybe your art is just too important and the universe is re-offering that lesson until you really embrace it :)
xx
Stray, you sure made me laugh with the "interesting diet"! I just had some of the lamb souvlaki & mushrooms & homemade mint sauce from awhile back, which was good, but I have a sweet craving these days, so ended the meal with a bowl of way over sweetened porridge! My dog couldn't believe her luck getting the other crust spread with butter this morning for her breakfast!
ReplyDeleteI've used Freecycle quite a bit - in Vancouver to gift stuff, here for minimal needs since I only arrived with 2 suitcases of clothes, and am now re-sending what I received back into the Freecycle community. But we're in a big city. No-one's offering garden produce. Lovely to hear about though!
The two and a half hour chant today helped (for anyone else reading this, see 100 Days). I swear, when I finish paying off the few small family debts, I am going to stash that monthly money away so that I have my own "over draft" for weeks like this!
I've been doing freelance of one sort or another for so many years that this should just be a way of life - waiting for tardy clients to pay.
Do you keep something in reserve for those times? Other freelancers I've known just got into more debt waiting on cheques, and then, like me, paid it all off when the taxes were finally done and the tax return came in. Only to start the cycle all over again...
Oh, Brenda. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteMB, I'm completely fine! Perhaps a bit of theatrics here. Angels guard me, I swear. Money in my account at midnight tonight. But sometimes these stories help others to speak of their journeys too...
ReplyDeleteOh, I know you're "fine" ... but I've been there too, and it ain't fun.
ReplyDeleteMB, didn't even miss a morning of coffee cream... doggy's been having a great time with the canned stuff and multi-grain snacks... really, I ought to simply trust. I have never slipped below the edge, and don't expect to.
ReplyDeleteWhat I am learning, though, is that I don't enjoy being so financially fragile. Alot of it I think out of residual anger towards my ex perhaps. See what you did to me! Or, more deeply, if I don't spend every penny I have someone like him will come along and do it for me. Anyway, I digress. What I'm learning is that I must keep some back for reserve. Stock-pile a little in my pantry for the lean times. If it gets used up, replace it. I do this with lots of items, food, sundries, writing, various types of back-ups, I need also to apply it to money.
I know that's what a savings account is for! :) Usually I blow through those, though, and haven't bothered to set one up since I've been back.
I'm not so angry at money any more; surely my attitude will make a difference as I move towards building equity back up.
Thanks for your kindness, sweetie! xo
I'm with MB -- "hang in there" -- and I rejoice to know that you're fine in spite of all. And don't be hard on yourself. "A state of being where I completely trust that what is needed will come" -- that describes you as well as anyone I've ever known.
ReplyDelete"Money is a form of energy" -- so true!