Today is my birthday. It's hard for me to celebrate my birthday, and it's something I have tried to do since my marriage ended, not altogether successfully. There's something raw about this day for me. My ex said I was just plain weird around my birthday. I think it's because I miss my father, and my birthday, with gifts, a gathering of family, dinner out, was the day he celebrated his daughter. I felt honoured in ways that he could never know growing up because other things were going on at home while he was on all those business trips. There have been many years when my mother didn't give me a present at all, but hey, I've done that back too. She didn't want a child, neither did he, their marriage in crisis and about to end, but then me. She wished me out of existence many, many times, he fell in love with his little daughter, and treated me like an exquisite human being, and always did, the whole time he was alive. My brothers and I have never really recovered from losing him.
Anyway, it's my birthday, I'm supposed to celebrate this day that I was born 54 years ago, and I find I think of the wonderful celebrations my Dad had for me on this day, and I feel blessed and sad. My brother and his beautiful children dropped by on the weekend. My mother sent an email from South Africa where she's wintering. I've received a couple of emails from friends. Tonight two dear friends who I know through yoga, one of whom I did teacher training with, the other who came to my class for years, both of whom I've chanted with, are taking me out for dinner. I haven't seen them in about 3 years, so that'll be wonderful. I don't know if my daughter wants to do anything, we'll see.I wish I could just forget about my birthday, really. Grieving never ends, it's cyclical, and my birthday triggers memories of a time that's long past. My father died 22 years ago.
So, Dad, thanks for all those birthdays, for honouring me, my life, and I am trying hard to bring that within so that I can celebrate myself in all the ways you would have wished.
Photos: The top one was me at 3 months; the middle one is me at 20 in front of the maternity wing of the hospital where I was born in Sinoia, Zimbabwe; the last one is my Dad and I in 1980.
I have no idea what to say, but will be thinking of you for the rest of today, Brenda. Your raw honesty touches me deeply, and the story you tell here is, I suppose, the heart of the human story.
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday! And Sinoia was such a pretty place as well - the caves, the hotal - oh, wow! the memories.
ReplyDeleteHave a special day!
'debvhu
Happy, happy birthday, dear friend. Oh, you are fifty-four, and I am so jealous ... only a couple years behind you now. I rarely feel the opportunity to tell you so, but I think you are so beautiful - the hair, the words, the dance. Your father was right to think you exquisite; he must have loved the days he spent here with you in skin. And now it is your dance with light, with the next song of laughter, and I love that you share it with us here. Happy birthday! Happy birthweek! I made a rule when I passed fifty that might would be birthweeks now, and I invite you to join me in my resolve. I find it gives me so much more room to move. Ha! Best atcha, Brenda. You're the best! -mg
ReplyDeleteThis is a very moving post, and I find myself relating to the emotions behind it in ways I never would have expected. Thank you for tripping the switch for another internal exploration.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday, Brenda! May you find joy in this day. May your new year bring you much joy, creativity, good health, personal adventures of the best sort, and - of course - love.
Brenda, happy birthday! I admire your spirit and your honesty very much, and am quite sure your father would celebrate you just as much today as he ever did. He would want you to be happy and peaceful, too -- and I hope this day brings some of that to you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jean, Mandebvhu, Mary, MB, Ken, and Beth for your birthday wishes and your understanding. It's been over two decades and finally I can articulte what it is about this day that is so raw. Things take time, huh.
ReplyDeleteI shall take all your beautiful and kind and generous words into my heart tonight and let them uplift me and help me through to a new understanding.
It was a good day, wonderful kids, wonderful friends. And now onto the next year... -:) xo
A little belated, Brenda, but Happy Birthday to you. I very much relate to the emotions you convey here. I do hope the next year will bring you many blessings, much joy, to go along with the everlasting ache in your dear heart.
ReplyDeleteThe pictures are beautiful.
Happy birthday, Brenda. I'll never forgot that birthday card you made me, on the day when I also have a hard time, for different reasons -- my family always forgets my birthday. Sending you warm, karma thoughts, SM
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ReplyDeleteHoping it was wonderful...
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