When I'm trying to fathom a relationship, especially the romantic kind, where I have a sustainability problem, I use multiple approaches. Besides what's said and done, and the feel of bodies, I carry on a dialogue with angelic beings and plummet my dream imagery, which are often at obverse variance. It never lasts anyway, so it becomes a continuing inner story of love that gets told through multiple fallings-in-love, most of which are never fully realized. Perhaps it's because I'm fickle by nature, or deeply afraid of vulnerability, or that no-one's quite figured out how to deal with the multiple levels of my personality that are attached to the multiple viewpoints. Paradox and ambiguity don't bother me at all. But what can you definitively say when you are saying entirely opposite things? And how confusing is that to the other person? I'd like to flow in one direction, to know what that's like, instead of a general current with trajectories flying off all over the place in very contradictory motions. Attempting to have a relatioship with me, I would suspect, and finally see, could be a most puzzling thing. Since I don't know where I ultimately stand, being in the centre of this contradictorily moving current, where spiritual and unconscious wisdom are at variance, and intellectual probings provide other insights and contexts, too, never mind the emotional floods or the physical raptures, or the loose wire that causes minor explosions now and then, would be a nearly impossible thing. I play no games; but I don't think I'm very containable either. Any suggestions on what I should do?
Meaning I'm ready to leave the hermetic path, although I'm not sure that is entirely responsible of me.
Sheath of feeling. Words groping to touch air.
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I've puzzled a bit over this post because it almost sounds like you are saying either that you wonder if you don't deserve a relationship (which you do, everyone does)... or that you think you have to change who you are to make it happen (which you mustn't in any significant way because then you wouldn't be centered and blossoming). Or maybe I'm not understanding what you are trying to say.
ReplyDeleteKen, I completely agree with you... but, in practice, I fear I am an impossible woman, and would like to change this. Deep and close friendships, abiding and beautiful relationships with my children, these I have, but when it comes to romance, I seem unable to fully settle, often prefering images, fantasies, to the real thing. I realized I give mixed messages, am full of contradictions, or appear that way even if I don't intend it. A deep and abiding romantic relationship is an elusive aim, but one I'm trying to attain by sorting through my complexities... Many thanks for your beautiful support. xo
ReplyDeleteAoife, those are wise words, and closer to how I live my life. Too many flames, too many sparks, but perhaps that is who I am, forever in the moment, dancing. I love the way you express way of living. And, yes, perhaps the dance is all, in the moment, giving of ourselves fully. xo
MB, perhaps it's finding the unity is the multiplicity that I'd like, having always hitherto sought the multiplicity in the unity. I'd like to settle down, learn that form of loving. But who can dance with me? I'm so full of contraditions, of yes and no, of push-pull, of rejection-acceptance... that I see I need to learn how to flow in more of a unifying movement... either that, or find someone as agile. :) xo
The path of the heretic of love, I like that Ken!
... or maybe find someone who is steady as a warm rock and ready to let you flutter and alight as you need to? Just a thought.
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