Snow floats in delicate dance from a white sky. That I can see from my basement window. Had anyone told me I would be here a year ago, I would have laughed.
This year I packed myself away and started out, like the Tarot Fool, unburdened and fresh. I left Vancouver and returned to Toronto, without a house to move into, without a job. It continues to be a wild ride.
I am reconstructing my life slowly. And differently. Having left and returned gives everything a freshness. But I am not seeing the same way. People are somehow changed. It's like I can see more deeply, and am surprised by what I discover. No wonder he or she was so loyal! No wonder I always felt oddly hurt by him or her! Perhaps I couldn't see below surfaces before, and now I can. I'm negotiating my way through my resurrected life carefully. Christmas with my mother, normally almost more than I can bear, was surprisingly alright. Relationships with certain friends have fallen by the wayside, especially if they were money or status dependent, which I didn't know before, when I had a fairly large trendy house downtown, but which has become clear since. Relationships with other friends have become even closer. And these seem to be with those who have a larger wisdom about life, who truly come from the heart. Even my sense of this city has changed. I am situated differently and walk down into the core from a residential neighbourhood. Everywhere I go I find friendliness. But I'm not as immersed in this culture as I once was. It's like I'm non attached: I've been elsewhere, gained a knowledge of what it's like to leave everthing, of grieving that loss, and then returned to what was left to find it changed too. I'm an older and different woman now. Not as sparkly, I can feel that. My hair is brown, not blonde, and I am more subdued. Gentler. Moving slowly, as I reconstruct who I am in my various communities. I can never go back to the way I was, yet don't know who I am becoming. But I think it's going to be a whole lot better, happier, more trusting and more fragilely beautiful because I undid myself, let go of safety, of possessions, of all my assumptions and approaches to everything, and am in the process of creating a new life even as I am creating a new view of my world.
Many blessings to you all. Many thanks to those of you who have shared in my journey. May you have a most magnificent and happy New Year... xo
Your voice in words sound more wise and deep as this journey unfolds. Sometimes, it is as though they billow~like a soft, sheer gossamer from the vast and blue sky to rest upon the mind's eye of the reader.
ReplyDeleteIt is not only your strength which guides you, but the depth of awareness and wisdom~~and this I feel: a Great Spirit is steering your coarse safely to shore.
Peace~Blessings~
Happy new year, dear Brenda!
ReplyDeleteI missed you on xanga and came here to look for you. I don't see any posts there.
ReplyDeleteI wish you a very happy and prosperous new year!
Nayana
Brenda,
ReplyDeleteYou have had an amazing year. Difficult, but amazing. I admire your courage, as always. And it's true, when life status changes, you find out who your real friends are... It can be enlighting, but also frightening...
Thank you for your comment on my blog, regarding my picture... your comments always mean so much to me.
Also, fyi, I have a new blog now, too: http://myartistsway.blogspot.com/ Trying to grow in my art this year, hoping this new blog will help me along the way. (not droping my old blog, of course -- different blogs, for different needs)
I linked to your blog, of course, on my new blog. Your blog is the essence of creativity.
Thinking of you, always,
~Rachel
Wonderful journey/re-entry. Stepping outside one's comfort zone and off a precipice (to float rather than to drop) can be terrifying but so rewarding. May 2006 bring good health, happiness, and magic.
ReplyDeleteAll my warmest new year wishes to you, Brenda. It made me so happy reading about your Christmas. How incredible - it seems like all the letting go you've done recently just made everyone else in your family let go too.
ReplyDeleteLaurieglynn, thank you for the poetry of your words, your beautiful wishes and your understanding, they mean much to me. May the year ahead unfold magnificently for you... xo
ReplyDeletemb, Happy New Year to you too! I look forward to reading you, your poetry, greatly... xo
Nayana, ah, how wonderful to have you drop by! How special! And wishing you, too, my dear, a prosperous and wonderful New Year... xo
Rachel, I've toyed with the idea of different blogs for different purposes, but ended up putting everything into one site. Whatever works best is best. I am glad you are exploring the healing medium of art, along with writing, and perhaps at some point you will also add dance, or movement meditation, body to your oeuvre. I do wish you a year ahead of great healing and much joy... xo
e_journies, I love that, health, happiness and magic, and wish them manifold back to you! xo
jean, yes, our mothers, what difficult journies these are, and how grateful I am for this gentle Christmas, the first ever in memory, and it comes as a gift, especially after what she put me through in the Summer during my move back. Something has shifted. Even if it doesn't crystalize into what is continued, at least it happened. Many thanks for your depths, your poetry, your friendship, and wishing that all your deepest wishes come true in the year ahead. xo
Brenda,
ReplyDeletethank you. :) what is movement meditation? that sounds interesting, using dance and movement to aid in healing... this is something i will think about. i had started doing yoga, but it became difficult for me to do, emotionally. but i wonder, if that is not just a sign that it's something that could do some good for me...
take care, rachel