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Showing posts from June, 2005

The Artist As Model, Or Her Desire In Her Gaze Of His Desire?

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Is it erotica? Well, yes, I suppose so... Of course it's about the body, the erotic body... and whose gaze is whose? And whose subjectivity is being expressed, and who is the object of her desire? The Artist As Model, Or Her Desire In Her Gaze Of His Desire?
...and I lie back against you, you are caressing me, your arms, your shoulders, your hair, your face, I lean into, am held by, softly, and pulling me onto you, and I sigh gently in ways that you love, and you can feel my increasing desire, tightnesses, and deep blossomings, your breath, your tongue, your fingers on my skin, until I am an instrument in your hands and you are playing intoxicating music for your erotic pleasure, until I am a foaming sea of lavender for you, moaning and gyrating gently, craving your deep holy offering, crescendo of bliss, the air scented, a sweetness of grapes and hyacinths...

On the Ethics of the Love Life of a Single Woman...

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(Using a stylus & tablet allows me to create a transparent layer underneath which I can layer other images, though I could have done a better drawing with a pencil... those are real love letters from years ago, and the writing in the border was from a one-time flame...)

Love Letters: On the Ethics of the Love Life of a Single Woman...

Please bear with me while I express this, sum it up, even if only for myself.

My ethical position came finally to this. I would not get involved with a man unless I had an openess to a relationship of forever. I wasn't putting time limits on it. If I thought that I'd maybe never want to see him again after one night, I would resist sleeping with him even if we were making motions towards; if I thought I might like perhaps a few weeks or a few months with someone at most, similarly I would walk away. That might all be fun while it was happening, but what if he fell in love with me, I'd only hurt him. I don't want to knowingly hurt anyone…

The Red Flower...

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Is this risqué? To post, I mean; no, it isn't, not at all, but, then again, I don't know... even hardworking "equality" feminists can get irate over the moon-time, it makes us different to that "one sex" white-uppermiddleclass-male everyone aspires to (except some of us don't). I'm a difference feminist. But not essentialist. Despite what it may or may not look like here. An embodiment theorist. Make of it what you will...

O, Urban Hiking...

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The kids have spent copious hours on the phone with friends in TO & negotiations with their Dad, so I went off to a tiny Chinese company that I do long distance through, which was actually in a very expensive office tower downtown, to pay the $18. I owed (isn't it cute, owing that little), but gave them $30., they don't have payment by Internet banking, so it's usually a cheque in the mail, but when I realized their address, why, that's a trip downtown... so I've been trying to get down there all week, but yesterday afternoon was finally gorgeous & sunny.

Downtown looks like downtown but is emptier than the downtowns of big megalopolises... I walked around, enjoying the downtowness, the buildings of every shape, size, colour, from old and tiny squashed inbetween to glittering glass stretching up to the sky, the flower beds of tamed nature, the tiny parkettes with their miniscule splice of nature so vastly different to the wilderness, the close crop of street…

Solstice blessings...

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"Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage." Anais Nin

Updating my life: yesterday I was offered a mat leave job in a company I really like, but not until December, which is so far away it's impossible to think about. My son has a job at a construction site today cleaning up, sweeping and vacuuming, thanks to John, my friend ZsuZsi's partner. My daughter has just gone through the halycon she always goes through before the 3300 km journey to her father's for the Summer. Why does this trip bring such anger, sadness and terror for her? As a mother do I worry unecessarily? But today is a new day and sunny; if the promised rain doesn't come, it's going to be hot. It's been cool here and I welcome and savour the heat, the way it relaxes us all.

Yes, Anais, life does shrink and expand according to one's courage, very much so, but when you're looking for work you need contacts. When you've moved to a city where you know almost no-one i…

Phoenix rising...

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I went dancing tonight. Feel like a phoenix rising...

(my son took the photograph)

My daughter's poetry...

My daughter wrote some poetry yesterday, which she shared, I love it when she shares her creative writing, and then she said I could post it. The second one is in the form that she wrote it, but the lines can be broken up to "look" more like the poetry they are. There's beauty, sadness, love. She's 14, and very, very sweet...

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I look up at night
planets are moving at the speed of light
and the world's expanding
you're forever fading
see the world in black and white
no colour or light, nothing right, nothing right
you're part of the human race, all the stars and outer space
the world's spinning

and no one seems to notice...

*

The leaves formed a perfect drop, a drop of the sun, rested upon its self, held together by mixes of light, of sky and rain, 50 million leaves, they swirl around me, they dance with my love, sing with forever beauty, in the sunset, they break the world, the universe trapped inside a city, and no one seems to notice, but me, and your world is…

The Move

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I need to put a disclaimer in here. I am the author but not the character. There are points of similarity with my life but "The Move" is also fictionalized and parts are made up. It is necessarily more brutal than my life is for the purpose of drama. Since blogging is largely lifewriting, one does need to clarify when one moves into fiction. I am in crisis, yes, and am letting that be a diving board... but I am not writing in the confessional mode; rather this is the imagination of a life...

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THE MOVE

She stares uncomprehendingly at the Notice To End Tenancy, holds it in her hand like an entropic text. It is composed of financial hieroglyphics and it has a greater power than all of the magical texts in her library. Its final incantation is homelessness.

She sips coffee, looking at the light of the clouded sky, how silvery it is, and wonders what will become. She snaps a picture of a fading rose on the window sill, and transfers it to the computer where she draws fiery lines l…

O, Clarity...

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Woke soon after dawn, lay in bed for an hour, wishing direction would become clear. An hour hugging my soft, clean, silky dog, who was curled in a ball, sleeping, who I shampooed yesterday after her swim in the lake in the park. I lay in the early morning light, wishing that what's possible would manifest clearly. I can feel myself walking the hot, polluted streets of Toronto; I can feel my reunion with my friends and dancing at The Move on Friday nights; I can hear the long conversations with my family; I see myself walking onto campus, returning to York University. It all feels very happy. That perhaps I was exhausted, at the end of what I could cope with when I moved out here and now after two years I am mended, renewed, ready to return and continue on. The return is becoming so real in a feeling-sense and I'm not sure why. Funds for a move back aren't here/there/anywhere at present. And no temp work this week. Stress. Though I did have 6 hours of unbroken sleep, a gift…

A Letter of Love...

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My entry in the Creative Writing Challenge, "Tell a story in the form of a love letter..."



Many thanks to Chez Couronne, who runs the site and blogring.

Roses & Hands...

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Perhaps you'd like to see the original yellow roses, & in black & white, & the one I created for the dream...


On the process of healing difficult parts of your life...

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I took this photo the day before the only possible permanent job I've had in a year ended due to problems with location, there was no bus service outside of rush hour and it was a 5 hour a day position, it was right before my birthday on March 7th too... That path goes up past the high school and I walk it nearly every night with my dog... Not a great photo, and I'm into frames these days (sorry!), but it was on the edge of... O, those Cherry blossoms!


On the Vision Quest/Fasting

The process of processing takes its own time according to its own rhythms and necessities. The vision quest/fast I did in 1998 on my abandonment issues was very difficult and quite emotionally painful if I recall, but it did resolve those issues to the extent of releasing me from being tied in an unhealthy way to a fear of rejection. Because of my childhood issues, whenever I receive a 'rejection' my response is to over-give, whether it's being extra nice, or a poem, or buying something, and…

On Vision Quests and Fasting...

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(Sorry this is such a long post, but I just added a small pic from that night at the end, surely it look like I've come through the zone, though still no clear directions...)

Tuesday, June 7, 2005

...so the big riptide rolling my way is that I've been looking steadily for a steady job for an entire year now without success, and temp work is not cutting it, and I can't hold out any longer... even a year at such an income level is nothing short of a miracle... and while I'm great with sacrifice, I must say it's been no fun at all... I finally decided that I'd like to apply to the Arts-Based Research Program in Graduate Education for 2006 but it doesn't look like I will be able to manage to stay here in Vancouver... with some money that's coming my way soon, not enough, not barely enough, I may be able to move us back to Toronto where the job situation may be no better but where my family lives and where I have many friends... I've been very isolated si…

Moments of Decision...

...I wish I knew the point at which one can definably say... I mean there is a moment where the bulk of the direction of something has reached critical mass and cannot be held back and flows over... and in the flowing over, there is a definable something to say, a concrete fact, it is going in this direction, this is the decision made, this is what is happening now... always before the movement towards is the setting of plans, an openness or closure to, a way to slide the events in a certain direction... what is it that decides what direction something will flow in but your decisions about directions... most of life seems to work this way, at least it does for me... it's all various energy patterns, flowing and interweaving, creating and subsiding, connecting and sliding through and disconnecting and drawing back from... like a vast dynamic tableaux, a web of points of singularity all flickering and creating lines between each other according to a complex dance created by each poi…

Blue Chrysalis...

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Playing today with a too-dark image from a few days ago when I needed a new profile photo---lightening it, seeing what's in the shadows, and discovered a way to irradiate a photo with blue spotlights: I found the blue lights intriguing even as I wrapped myself in them doing and undoing many possibilities. And I wonder if this process of enfolding and illumining in blue light is teaching me something mystical or perhaps silly? Some humour might be apropos these days, as a way to release the tension of radical shifts in the underlayers of my life. It seems that when a woman does something radical to her hair, she's about to do something radical to her life too. Major transformations are in process in the woman who resides over here, at Rubies In Crystal, I suspect... I wonder what will emerge from the chrysalis of blue lights? It is an interesting process that I've been through recently, extreme sensitivity, a withdrawal inwards, the depths where one retreats to, not knowing…

Inner Altar - African Angel

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(Click on photopoem for a larger size)