Update:edit. Thank you, Richard,and MB, for your invaluable feedback. I've made some small changes, & will let it rest a bit and come back to it in a few weeks. The drawing I did in the mid-90s at my long gone cottage on Georgina Island. She's not the woman in this small word sketch, but somehow a similar energy...
In his "wish stream" a woman like her doesn't exit. She is beyond the years of possibility. She is slipped into, and relaxed in, like a well-worn dressing gown, a comfortable old couch, a favourite cafe in which to ponder one's thoughts. She is the warmth of a female oasis where struggle isn't necessary. She is the mother's arms, the place of acceptance, the restful time of sunset. She is the quietening. She is not just over the hill, but down in the valley on the other side, laughing and dancing her opulences. There is no need to impress her, or even to pursue her. She is a feature of the unchanging land. The aging woman with unbounded compassion towards herself and him. She is a prophecy of what he can become. Now she lies like sheer vintage lace over his vision. A bit obscuring, a reaction to the fickleness of his youthful women, an attempt at having a fixture of permanence to rebound back to. But it isn't what he wants, what he dreams of, what quickens his body, opens his heart. The 'wish stream' of images, visions, idealizations of love that he yearns for in his dreamy harem of beautiful women only includes a house mother who services others. Her yellowing teeth, her aging skin and its wrinkles not for the ardour of sweet romance. He found his way into her realm to heal a tired and wounded heart, the slings and outrageous arrows of lost love, and now he must make his way out and away from her, glistening again like a new-born baby.
Brenda, I think you're probably right to leave them out, especially the second sentence -- it telegraphs the meaning too much., I like the first and third sentences but the story is just as comprehensible, and gets a quicker start, without them. Maybe you can sneak them in somewhere in the middle or the end. (BTW, the sentence beginning "The wish stream" seems to me to unravel toward the end -- maybe because "include" s/b "includes.")
ReplyDeleteI'vve been thinking about this issue of what to put in, what to leave out, a lot while writing my two most recent fiction posts. In the first one I decided to include a sentence that made the ideas clearer -- I felt they'd just be too hard to see otherwise. In the second I decided to leave out a three-line addition that would have made the premise too obvious. Most of the time I'm a trimmer, not an adder, but I think there are times when you just have to say the idea in order for it to get across. The principle of "Show, don't tell," is really only a preference, not a rule, and good writers violate it a surprising amount.
I tend to agree with you and Richard, they aren't necessary. But I do find, without them, that it starts so much without him in the picture that to suddenly hear (with vintage lace) this isn't what he wants... leaves out the part that it is what he had thought he might want. In other words, it starts out showing what she is from the point of view of his having decided against, and leaves out what drew him to her. I think the transition may be important because it happened, but also because it makes for a kind of dramatic tension. It is implied here, but I guess I want it to be just a little clearer. But I don't think the first 3 sentences are the answer to what I look for either. Does this make sense?
ReplyDeleteSo, I'm wondering about Richard's thought of putting something in the middle. Something perhaps near the vintage lace sentence? Might even just be one word. You'll know what's right.
Agree with Richard on the "wish stream" sentence.
Richard, your writing is so polished it's hard to think that you've struggled with what to leave in and what to take out. I, too, am a trimmer. Lately, though, my writing has not come pouring out in a way that makes me feel like I am encompassing what I'm trying to say, it's not been as complete, but more in bits. It was easier editing down a more comprehensive piece of writing than something short like this.
ReplyDeleteBased on yours and MB's comment (thank you MB! and in a few weeks when it's sat a bit I may see if adding a clarifier in the middle helps), I think I shall leave in sentences 1 and 3, and "includes" is right.
You've both been very helpful and I like this, it feels like the writer's group I've always wanted...
:grins: Now back to The Move, groan...
Very powerful text. And I love the classic lines and earth tones in the image.
ReplyDelete"But it isn't what he wants" hits me like a hairpin turn after a gliding straightaway: the words, the rhythm, the conclusion. Riveting.
Your new profile picture is gorgeous.
e_journeys, a story not often told I suspect - though I have consciously embedded the archetype of the 'wise old woman' in here, there's a reality to it too. xo
ReplyDelete