Friday, August 30, 1985.
10:55am
For the first time I watched one of B's violent episodes manifest.
Last weekend, when he was changing the kitty litter in the basement washroom, he accidentally knocked one of the 'arms' on the toilet roll holder. With sharp anger he suddenly kicked the whole thing, tearing it off the wall. I said, "You idiot," and got out of the way fast. At dinner on Monday, he told me about telling the bear story [from a camping trip] to a man at work, and how he thumped his desk suddenly with his hands --womp!-- at the moment of his telling about hearing the bear and how that man jumped. I did, too, as he mimetically smashed the table we were sitting at, making it jump. Visiting C and S, they were relating C's problems with S's grandfather visiting from England in that he excluded C from family photos because he wasn't of the "D's [family's] line." B said, "I would tell him to FUCK OFF," as he suddenly punched the air with a force that would have knocked anyone cold had they been the recipient of it. C and S were noticeably, but momentarily, alarmed at B's violent motion. Last night B and I were haggling over household bills as we entered the last 10 months' collection on SuperCalc. At one point, he flung a binder of mine with a calculator in it on the floor, causing all the contents, even those in small pockets to fly out. I grabbed it and lightly tapped him for doing that so needlessly. Oh boy. He stood up on the couch and began punching me, my chest, my arm. I started shouting, "You have no control! Stop it!!" while fending off his blows. He shouted that he hated me. I continued, "Just because you feel weak and powerless sometimes do you think that beating up your wife is going to make you feel stronger?!"
"You bitch," he frothed, still punching me.
"How can you do this to the woman you love?" I shouted as I tried to defend myself. "Alright!" I stopped, "If you want to beat me up, go ahead and do it!!" Without an opponent, he subsided. He doesn't like the image of himself as a wife-beater. Ever since I began using this tactic it has invariably diffused his violence. I don't get nearly so bruised or bloodied, which is a relief, because if I don't somehow diffuse his attacks they are terrible. He has no in-built mechanism for controlling himself.
Afterward I just cried and cried. He refused to talk about what had just happened, but did 'make up.' I sent him off to buy cigarettes and continued crying, feeling sorry for myself, wondering how I had ever gotten into such a relationship.
There's more, of course... many paragraphs. Then, at 3:00pm that day I wrote:
How I dislike writing about these fights. Who wants to commit this sort of thing to paper? I hate myself for doing it -- what if someone were to inadvertently read what I write here.... I do it because I'm confused by these extremes, these violent episodes, and... try to understand. I can't talk about what goes on to anyone.
_
Why did I feel I had to hide what was going on from everyone? Why was I ashamed? He blamed me for his anger. Perhaps I was trying to heal him; perhaps I didn't believe in my own worth. It is now 26 years later, and still I struggle to speak.
Brenda, I sympathize with you. I know how such memories can persist over the years.
ReplyDeleteMost of it got washed away, though there are some unforgivable things. While I sometimes wonder how I got myself into that situation, I've long forgiven myself for doing so. Sometime I'll type in the rest of the journal entry. I really did help him to understand these explosions and they finally dissipated, except, oh, it's hard, except with my little son. But I ended the marriage to stop that. It's been bumpy, emotionally, but we're ok.
ReplyDeleteKeeping copious journals, like I did up until about 1999, when I tired of the form, with their relating of events as they happened, certainly brings another dimension to the quality of our memories.
It's harder to shift, or gloss, or change what happened when you have your own struggling writing before you, page after page of inked words.
Which is good. That's perhaps part of why we write. To remember.
Thank you so much Larry, I'm not sure why I posted this, I still feel deeply ashamed, embarrassed, and yet, 26 years on, let it go woman. Be real. So I added it to this blog. I appreciate your reading it, and offering a sympathetic comment. Thank you.
Brenda,thanks for sharing this. Shame and embarrassment, like rage and violence, are polar opposite reactions to vulnerability, which is likely what you and he shared. You also are obviously very strong, which is why you could help him to understand. As is he, since he was willing to be vulnerable enough to be taught and to learn from you. But school is expensive and tough. You both pass. What wonderful work.
ReplyDeleteYes, you're right, these are twin sides of the same coin. It is hard to be vulnerable, and to speak openly. I let my old journal do the talking for me, copying out what I wrote 26 years ago. Thank you so much, Abalonestar.
ReplyDeleteBrenda, thank you for sharing this, though I hear it was painful to do so. I truly believe that you will find these painful events lose their potency as they come out of hiding. The secrecy keeps them locked in time -- expressing them, at least in my experience -- expunges them.
ReplyDeleteSo many have been in your shoes; so many understand.
The more you share, the more I feel simpatico with you.
It was a long time ago, and of course I have obliquely mentioned some of this to various friends over the years. When I ended the marriage I was seeing a 'shamanic psychotherapist' - for 3 months, all I could afford at the time. He helped me to integrate much of what had happened, during this time and subsequently, through talking, crying, shouting, weeping, dancing. That helped enormously and I am forever grateful to Robin Noya for the understanding and support he gave me during the difficult transition into single motherhood.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your strong and understanding comment. It is time to speak, I feel also.