Wednesday, January 28, 2009

My son is at his Dad's, recuperating. Since there is no communication between households, I have to rely on what my daughter tells me. Apparently they are looking into rehab for 6 months, which I feel is too long. Because the girlfriend's son is dealing with ongoing addiction problems, my son cannot live there. Adrian, my son, is, of course, welcome to live here, without any conditions or reservations. There is a whole network of support in Toronto for him, from my entire family, who visited him frequently in the hospital and have offered any and all help he needs, to friends of mine who have contacts in various organizations and can connect him to young men in similar circumstances, to the wonderful and loving friends he has made during his year here, as well as the various doctors and therapists he's been seeing in Toronto.

The room that became his in the basement has a separate entrance and so I could not 'keep an eye' on his comings and goings, but then it would not be 'my thing' to oversee him since he's an adult.

My approach is one based on trust. On openness. On a 'good enough' relationship where he felt he could talk to me.

For the most part, we have had this. The couple of weeks before his breakdown, he had become more distant, but then he was much busier with college, so the encroaching difficulties were masqued. The weekend of the binge, though, which began during the power blackout, he was nearly unapproachable and was obviously in emotional difficulty and would not call a distress centre. He was angry and depressed and questioned the meaning of life, how he felt trapped, how little he saw ahead in the way of positive change. The night he took the acetaminophen, I talked with him for 2 hours, and then his sister talked with him for another 2 hours, but I think he was just desperate to exit the vicious cycle of addictions that he had not been able to break out of with will power alone.

In most ways, his life was going well. As he said in hospital, he was actually happy with his life. He liked his part-time job, liked the people he worked with, liked living in downtown Toronto, liked me, his sister, and our dog, liked his classes and the people in them, and liked the women he's dated and become good friends with, and was perhaps developing a closer relationship with someone who had become more special than the rest. He wasn't sure why he wanted to end it.

I don't know why either, since I could see that he was starting to come 'into his own,' and it was exciting to see him creating a new life for himself here. He's been seeing someone at CAM-h, an addictions centre, where the philosophy is 'harm reduction,' and it wasn't working for him. In fact, and I hate to say it, he seemed better before the CAM-h therapy, something his father insisted on as a 'condition' for visiting, because Adrian had been clear of everything for half a year or so and was working on giving up his 'vices.' Rehab is 'abstinence-based' and that would be a better approach. Once he starts on a binge, it's hard to stop. And I think that's what happened - and it spun out of control, and it was the addiction cycle that tore at him, made him desperate, rather than his actual day-to-day life here.

He was so mad at its control - the addictions, what they represent, which is very personal and very complex - that control over him, the addictions: a master who was a monster from within, the addictions: what he would do to annihilate inner pain, a cycle which caused more pain than it relieved, that he would sacrifice his life to it to appease it. Like destroying the host that the virus was over-running. Short-circuiting the process by removing the victim. Or so it felt through the days I spent sitting beside him in hospital.

And perhaps he has done the miraculous thing he wanted to do. Deep within. Where it counts. A true success that no-one can guess or truly know about except him.

As I write this, I find myself bowing to my beautiful son, in recognition and honour.

6 comments:

  1. (The response I wrote to a private email comment sent to me by a wonderful poet who cares.)

    Thank you so very much for your beautiful caring. It was 7 days of the most difficult days of my life, and now he's out and scooped away to his Dad's, where apparently they plan on sending him to a 6-month rehab programme. The two households are impossible on the kids, I know this, and yet our approaches are so vastly different that we, ourselves, the parents in each household, cannot communicate.

    I am 'into' close and loving and supportive relationships; they are into various therapies (the ex's girlfriend a manager in a mental health clinic), and that's not just psychiatrists, but the whole arsenal of mood-enhancing prescription drugs that are available.

    I am 'into' creative expression, understanding that pain is part of life, and so on. They are 'into' that too, perhaps, but they definitely think pain is bad and medicating it away is good.

    My 'hands on' approach of care and consideration and slow daily working on issues has obviously not worked and so they are now carrying on the 'therapeutic/medication/rehab' approach with a vigor that scares me.

    I think my son won a great inner battle. I am in awe of him for that. They see failure, and a need to 'fix' him.

    Are we potentially both right? I cannot know.

    There are no ultimate answers.

    Yet in the darkest hour, I've seen the strength in him.

    I believe in him, and am supportive of him, and know he has the ability to make his own choices, for what's right for him. I only hope he's listened to.

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  2. brenda, i am going to offer my unsolicited opinion and hope you don't mind. since your son is post suicide attempt/intervention i personally believe he is much better served by a long term rehab center which can offer supportive group therapy and supervision during this very critical time. i say this having spent many years in medical social work supervision where i managed social work staff located in substance abuse treatment facilities as well as staff in other medical disciplines/facilities.

    unfortunately, the substance abuse facilities did not offer services beyond 30-60 days, and many clients returned time and time again. recovery is a process. it is not a black and white picture. practicing abstinence, having a good support system, changing lifestyles and community, having determination, maturing, etc. all increase the chance of long term success.

    i can see from other posts here that there is ongoing dissention between you and his father and his father's partner. i hope for your son's sake that you guys can find a way to work through some of this since he needs everyone to be on HIS side right now without any other distraction - his side being survival.

    despite all the love and caring support he had at home he still struggled to such a degree that he ended up in a serious medical crisis that was life threatening. most addicts really do need a very structured environment while their bodies release toxins, adjust to the absence of the drug and become "clean" - and while their psyches heal. having him in a long term rehab center sounds like a good plan to me. i wish these in the US would routinely keep patients longer than 30-60 days. (of course, expensive, private ones allow longer stays.) changing a lifestyle and a drug habit which has been so seductive is hard. the longer patients stay in a good in-patient treatment facility the better the chance of recovery is, in my opinion.

    considering his very recent suicide attempt i think in-patient supervision for a while is more than warranted. he is so very vulnerable. i wish all of you the very best and hope adrian finds what he needs so he can heal and move forward in his young life. sending you both many good wishes.

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  3. dear brenda, you sound like a wonderful mother. this whole episode could only show your son how much, incredibly much you love him and how much he is valued. it's been a real love story all around, hard as it has been. love survived.

    i've been thinking a lot about alcohol and it's destructiveness. it appears to destroy all rationality and self-control: what is the will in its presence? nada. it's a monster, a giant black hole. it makes us forget who we are and offers only façade. it causes our guard to be dropped against other things, other addictions, makes kids have unsafe sex (new study that is very disturbing), and issues a sort of forgetting, denial, that results in accidents or idiocy. i can see nothing good in drinking.

    i think about alcohol a lot because my youngest son has been drinking like a fish for a couple of years. he has anxiety about a lot of things, his own shadow sometimes, and alcohol gives him a certain bravado and freedom. he's a big social butterfly, and the more the merrier at his party.

    on the other hand, he's in college full time, taking writing, poetry, psychology. he's held the same job for several years at starbucks. his father is an alcoholic who quit drinking as a condition for having my son come live with him when i became ill and needed help and had no where else to turn, that and a clean apartment. and he did it, stopped completely on the spot––he had stopped for 10 years before and during our marriage before he fell off his particular tightrope. never has been to aa, though, but still dry after 13 years. and they are both native american, which just complicates the whole nature of alcoholism.

    so i worry, that someday perhaps there will be an accident, or an illness, or a crash. my son went to the ER a week or so ago because his heart was erratic and beating at 145/min. it scared him, and the doctor mentioned alcohol and also anxiety. a first step, a scare i hope. he has so much to look forward to at 25! moving to hollywood in the fall to pursue his former love of acting, school which he loves and transferring his credits, his friends, love itself and the lovely young women he's been with. he's such a great kid with so much potential. drop dead gorgeous too, w/ a combination of sioux and jew lol.

    so your story has moved me a lot, brenda, on many levels, not only due to my son, but years of my own psychotic depressions before i knew what ptsd was. and like your son, it was almost like a light switched off suddenly, without any real warning. i remember how devastating it all was; but once i grasped my abuse issues, the depressions were no more, never more than a day or two of blues. it's so wonderful to be healed like that: a women's group, several years of therapy and the drug neurontin saved my life, and of course, the love of my partner ron who let me cry it all out and never left me, just like you did your son. those, and poetry to which i've turned since the age of 15, and which was always my catalyst. still is...

    i look at my first son who just left the navy after 10 years. he used to drink when he first went in, and as he's described it, it's amazing he survived that too, just the sheer quantity. alcohol. one christmas home from japan, we talked about diabetes, to which we are both prone, and the former athlete across the street from me provided an excellent example. the man used to surf, ride motorcycles, box and party hard... until his kidneys shut down: now it's the loss of fingers and toes and days of dialysis. my son was impressed: he quit, just like that. he said to me last week, "don't you remember, mom? i quit because you asked me to." i was moved, to say the least. if only it were so easy with joe.

    i hope your son decides to come home to you and toronto and to all those healing vibrations of family; you have the unconditional love he needs. but if he decides to stay with his dad, this episode as you say so eloquently, was a harsh lesson from which he arose as from a near grave. i'm not so sure he will ever want to go there again, but if he finds himself looking into that chasm, he will remember the pain of this episode and feel appropriately afraid. more than anything, i hope he finds all the strength and love he needs inside himself, where love lives like a light to guide him. and i do believe he will find it, brenda. afterall, you are his mother.

    with you in thought, word, deed
    xooxoxox ~your little sparrow, lt

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  4. Sky, so far no-one has been able to show me stats on how 'longer term' rehabs are more 'successful' than shorter ones. Hence I suspect that because rehab generally doesn't work (in total abstinence from the 'substances' that caused entry into rehab) that, like prisons, it's thought that longer term incarceration might be what's needed.

    Quickly searching on the NET, I found this:

    "The most common type of drug rehab center in the country [the U.S.] is based on the typical 12 step program. This is the basis for support groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, etc. The original program was certainly valid in that it worked for many people. The problem is that so many things have been added to this program that it has become severely changed in many ways. One example is that addiction has been falsely labeled as an incurable brain disease and now most treatment centers actually give drugs to addicts to treat the symptoms of addiction instead of getting them off all drugs to help rehabilitated them.

    There are many non-12-step programs out there these days as more families are seeking something different. Some can be very damaging, such as those that practice aversion therapy. This is where someone is given a drug to make them sick when the see their previous drug of choice or they are even shocked into submission. This is very harmful and can actually create a long-term anxiety affect and someone who is never himself again because of this pain and abuse.

    Other non-12-step programs might use a more holistic approach, which is something we recommend. These facilities don't prescribe drugs to people and instead use healthier means of rehabilitating them so they are drug-free. The most effective ones are those that use a biophysical body cleansing approach where remaining drug residues in the body are flushed out to no longer cause adverse effects on the individual. They become completely detoxified."

    The 'other' family is big-time into the 'drug' approach. It clearly hasn't worked in their own case, even after years of pharmaceuticals, nor with the attempts in this direction with my dear son. They would also probably favour the 'aversion' therapy approach with him, which would be the most detrimental thing they could do.

    I note that I, and my family, and a few of my friends, were at his bedside virtually nonstop, whereas the 'other' couple came a few times, did not inform their families (was it shame?) and no-one from that side of the family so much as phoned him, let alone came to see him. None of the ex's friends who've known my son all his life phoned to offer support or visited.

    Now that he's out of hospital, shutting him away somewhere, while perhaps easier for them, will not, I believe, given his nature, which is simultaneously rebellious and sensitive, produce the 'desired' result. My son is not a meek follower of orders. Never has been, and I hope never will (I'd worry about drugs that lobotomize as much as the operation itself). As I said, these 'control' & 'rehab' efforts with the other 'substance-abuser' in the house have failed and continue to fail whenever he is outside the 'house of control.'

    So, Sky, while I appreciate your comments, and I believe they are well meant, I think the whole 'rehab' terrain is a minefield that ought to be gingerly stepped through at the best of times.

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  5. Moineau En France, thank you for sharing your story in this area, I appreciate your openness and your honesty and your understanding of the struggle from the inside, deeply. Your words move me. They are powerful, direct, caring, loving. There are no long term answers to the lure of alcohol or narcotic substances other than love, I agree with this fully.

    As you have written, this supportive and reliable and unconditional love can be expressed in many ways, from showing examples of what unchecked addiction can do to worry itself, and yet it is through the faith that those who love us have in us that we are able to surmount the attractions of what is essentially a direction of 'false promises' (like what alcohol does, when it is actually a depressant) for what is healthier, whole and honours ourselves.

    Like you, I have a firm believe in love.

    Thank you for coming by and sharing, I don't feel so alone, understand where your wisdom comes from, and am mostly just appreciative.

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  6. Brenda I know it must be hard for you to not have Adrian there right now, and I know you love him and would die for him. Which is why I hope you can understand that the reason for Adrian trying a residential treatment program is that nothing else has worked so far. Last time I was at your house, when I went down to visit Adrian, when I walked up to the front door there a man smoking crack cocaine on the porch. There is a wine store 50 feet from your house, and Adrian's cocaine dealer lives just around the corner. A loving supportive family is essential to his recovery, but for him to return to the exact same situation with all the same temptations literally steps from your door is probably not conducive to a health recovery. I know you won't believe me, but since I entered a residential treatment program over a year ago, I've only used once, and only been drunk a few times. I've managed to seriously moderate my drinking, meaning that other than those few times (I think 3 including christmas)I got intoxicated, for over a year I've never drank more than a few drinks at one time. I was a severe alcoholic and IV drug user for years, and residential treatment was probably the most important step I've ever taken in my recovery. The point is, Adrian has chosen to try this treatment, and it certainly will not harm him, where as returning to his old patterns most likely will. Everyone in this household loves and cares for Adrian...we do not want to make his problems go away with drugs, and we do not want to isolate him. The fact is that anti-depressants have been proven to reduce the risk of suicide in people with major depression, and the only medication that Adrian is taking is on the advice of his psychatrist at CAMH, not on the advice of me or his father or my mother. Your daughter says that her depression is much easier to live with since she started Citalopram, and she seems much more balanced. Anyways, I know this is a difficult time, and I hope you're doing ok, I know how much worry I've caused my mother with my struggle with addiction, and I'm sure this is a rough time.

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A Pulsing Imagination - Ray Clews' Paintings

A video of some of my late brother Ray's paintings and poems I wrote for them. Direct link: https://youtu.be/V8iZyORoU9E ___