It passed, on the 7th, another year. By not telling, it was easier. My birthday and Christmas are the 2 days I miss my father most and so there is grieving. Only now I allow myself time to miss, to lament, to offer remembrance and praise, to understand perhaps a little more of the mysterious universe each time I enter sorrow, its spirals of loss and redemption, of endings and continuance, of knowing what is gone and what is to come. I offer myself time to remember, to feel instead of the denial I lived for years and which caused unexpressed despair on 'my day' and the day of festive giving. With recognition of the depth underlying these two days, allowing grieving, they are much happier, take on a glow of warmth and love, a radiance that they lacked when I was hiding sadness under a veneer of gloss. Oh, perhaps a half hour alone to weep, to be in the place of dissembling, of loss, of the irrationality of death, then the rest of the day is lighter - fun, joy, sparkle, and laughter.
Which it was, along with the chocolate truffle chocolate mousse chocolate cream cheese cake from Decadent Desserts and the company of my son and some fine white wine...
Sheath of feeling. Words groping to touch air.
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Brenda,
ReplyDeleteI found you via A's blog and enjoyed your lovely prose. Hope you feel better after a while. Time doesn't exactly heal these kinds of losses but makes it endurable.
Thank you, princess haiku - what a lovely name, too!
ReplyDeletehappy belated birthday, girlie! sounds like you had some pretty amazing chocolate recently!
ReplyDeletei am in and out of blogland. recovering from surgery and being lazy, too. soon we will be in the gardens most of our weekends, working in ectasy and overdosed on color. we are true junkies.
have been here off and on reading but without comment. glad to see you are still leaving your trail of words in the universe for us to take into our lives, ourselves. there is something almost mystical about much of your prose which leaves me light and joyful. that is a gift i always appreciate.
sky, thank you, sweet woman... and I do hope your surgery cured whatever it was that was ailing! xo
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